A Day of Rest and Racecars

August 14, 2016

Today we took communion at church. This was Wade’s first Lord’s Supper at East Brent, and he integrated it into the morning service instead of the evening service. He also completely changed his delivery style to foster a time of reflection. After giving the congregation a few moments of silence, he sang a song to further focus us on the significance of the ritual among Christians.

It was interesting to me that my quiet time, alone in my head, focused on prayer, was completely blank. It was as if somebody had hit the pause button on my brain and not changed out the soundtrack. There was far too little time set aside in the service for me to ever “catch up,” but it left me a little unnerved…enough to occupy my thinking this afternoon and evening.

And the longer I chewed on it, the more and more I became terribly aware that my word – the one that sums up where I need to be and am not anywhere near – surrendered.

I have serious control issues. I think that I spin my wheels every single day trying to capture each of SJ’s giggles and new phrases, her cuteness and her developmental milestones because I can’t control them. They are fleeting, and I know it. I think about how things could be better if only… If only she would be nicer to me right now, if only she had less screen time, if only she threw fewer tantrums, if only I didn’t work… I see all the bad food we feed her, and I heap loads of guilt on myself for not putting up more of a nutritional fight. I cringe when people don’t call her by her name, and I chastise myself for being so petty.

And then there’s my house… I only see the mess. I see the dishes in the sink, the dirt on the floor, the magazine pages on the porch, the mildew in the closet, and the hair in the shower. I see the easy things that could’ve been done on the way from point A to point B, and I harbor resentment that Jeremy doesn’t see it too.

And then there’s my day job (the one for which I get paid)… I start off with a list, and then I lose control of the steering wheel. I end up exhausted by distractions and frustrated at my inability to do a good job on the things I ultimately see as a priority. I get mad when people don’t listen to me and do what I tell them to do.

I get mad when I don’t have a handle on what and when we’re eating dinner. I get mad when dinner is “ruined” by life. I get mad when people don’t pay attention to me, and I get mad when time together isn’t all I think it might have been.

They more out of control I feel, the more judgmental I become. In the worst of mental spaces, I clean until I can find words appropriate to say to others.

I think more than anything I’m learning how little I actually can control and how unproductive and often mean it is for me to constantly try. What would it look like for me to worry with one thing at a time? What would it look like for me to care about others, accepting them exactly as they are, loving them regardless of what it does for me, and trusting that everything is okay even if it is completely out of my control. What would it look like for me to face every negative thought with awareness and immediately autocorrect towards genuine humility? I don’t want Selah June to see her mother as critical and guilt-stricken. I don’t want her to think that my love for her is conditional. She doesn’t have to want to be with me or want to hug me or say nice things to me for me to love her. That is there regardless of her behavior.

And I don’t want to spin my wheels living out the life I think others expect me to live only to miss the life right here under my nose. Look at this! One week into school, and she’s rocking it like a champ!

We had such a good day yesterday. We found our awesome new Selah June car. We took it out even at the park and played in it all around the parking lot.

We kept it in the backseat next to us on the drive home and held onto it so it wouldn’t fall down.

Then we got it out at home and drove it all around the living room. It gave us an awesome drive in experience for watching Daniel Tiger, Chuggington, Curious George, and Paw Patrol.