Saturday, August 13, 2016

I realized in the car today that my love runs far deeper than it did just two years ago.  That sounds horrible to admit, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t absolutely true.  After a typical morning of Selah June shunning me for her father’s affection, crying desperately after a toy in a store, and stymieing my every effort to take a picture of her cuteness, I found myself mesmerized by her eyes.  I couldn’t stop looking into them.  I’d turn and face forward in my passenger seat only to turn back around two seconds later.

She’s used to me staring at her, and she often waves me away.  But I realize every day how precious time is with her.  This week the pains of that finitude were particularly poignant.

She started “school” this week.  She’s not even two years old.  I’m a monster.

No amount of “processing” helps to rationalize that gut feeling away. And the constant tug-of-war between my personal and my professional lives, the external guilt and sadness over the situation, and the stupefying speed of our daily routines all come together to make me too volatile for my liking. One minute I’m feeling so blessed, so undeserving, and so thankful for the beautiful life I’ve been given.  The next minute I’m feeling lonely and tired and sad by the harsh reality of being a parent who works full-time outside of the home.  I didn’t grow up with this model of parenting.  I don’t know what’s to be expected of me and us as a family.  I don’t know whether it will all turn out okay….and I’m not aiming for okay!  I’m aiming for the best life I can possibly give my family. Everything I’ve ever been told is that not spending every waking hour with your child, not having perfect dinner each night around the table, not engaging each other constantly with learning opportunities or interpersonal intimacy is unfortunate.  It’s a sad loss.

So I think it’s accurate to say I feel loss and I feel lost.

That doesn’t mean I’m not filled with joy and awe every day.  I am. It’s just really tender and confusing for me at the moment.

All I know is that this journey has been terribly hard and unbelievably worth it. I love Selah Juney, and I love the life Jeremy and I have together with her. There will be time for reflection and communication and rest. It won’t always feel this undone. Each day will continue to be a blessing.