January 21, 2016
Selah June and I are having a little bit of a girls’ week since Daddy is down in Tally and Orlando doing political stuff. I’m seizing the opportunity to watch no tv (save for evening Elmo and/or Wheels on the Bus). I’m also using my freedom after she goes to sleep to put my hour in on the bike and catch up on work odds and ends.
She is loving spending time with Malachi on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They play really well together, and they both seem to be on the 15-month sleep schedule. Nap time has synched up pretty nicely, or so Dustin says! It’s been really interesting psychologically and emotionally for me dropping her off with Dustin and Malachi. Dustin chose not to go back to work after having the baby. So she’s adjusting to the change in schedule and routine, the lack of “career,” the new social circles, and the emotional challenges of no break from the baby. I chose to go back to work (though it never felt like a conscious choice). Selah June came to us so late in the game that we have been retrofitting our lives for kid crazy – as opposed to growing into identities born from college, cohabitation, and kids all back to back. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s what I’m thinking at the moment.
But doing things this way does come with its own set of opportunities and threats. We have great jobs. That gives us the opportunity to be incredibly selective in where we keep her while we’re at work. I can afford two part-time nannies to supplement the priceless care she receives from Jess and Grammy. That’s not something for which I planned. Who knew a nanny arrangement would be so expensive!!! My job also gives me tremendous flexibility – in large part because I did my time. Graduate school was hellishly hard. Working in Green Bay, Wisconsin, was hellishly cold. Getting tenure was hellishly time-consuming. Nothing about the trek here was easy, but the end result is a place of air-tight job security, control over my own schedule, an office staff who prioritizes my care of Selah June, and a pretty sweet parking spot. I would never have thought I would be a full professor and associate dean of a college when I actually began the journey as mother. But it does have its perks.
On the other hand, face square on every single day the tug at my heart when I have to get us ready and out the door so that I can make my way to campus. When she initially cries when I hand her over to Ashley or Dustin, it makes me physically hurt. I have to compartmentalize my thoughts so that I quickly can shift away from animal sounds and pretzel songs and toward personnel management, committee work, student appeals, and problem-solving. There’s no minute of my work day that is as special or lasting as her smiles. And at the same time that I know that in my heart, I make up my mind to stay the course. I don’t even try to justify the decision. Lots of moms do. For me, there are too many contextualizing factors that get in the way of solid, feel-good justification. I just know that this is right. She is a blessing. I am loving the stew out of her. She is happy and healthy. She has teachers all around her every day. She has playmates who relish in their time with her. She wants for nothing.
Ab sent me this link today. It probably set me going down this road very early this morning and colored the rest of my day.
Here are two sweet pics of my little baby girl.
The first one was this morning while we shared some fruit and talked about all the adventures we were planning on having. The second one was after we got home from all our fun. We had to stop on the way home for treats, of course! Mommy got a good drink, and SJ got French fries. She was so cute in the car at Dustin’s house. I put her in her carseat and said “do you want to go get some French fries?” Her little eyes got big, and she searched my face for sincerity. “Fresh fry?” — “Ahhh-key.” That’s a definite YES in Selah June language.
She reminded me all the way to the Sonic what we were doing.
Tonight, we ate our dinner, took a bath, and watched our shows. She’s so funny because you can now ask her if she’s ready to do something, and she obviously thinks about it and gives you an answer. I said, “Are you ready for splash splash?” She first said “no,” and then after another French fry said “ahhh-key.” I said “come on then!” And she followed me all the way back to the bathroom, bumbling along in her crazy walk-run gait.
I just want to catch all of it in a bottle and preserve it for all of time.
I’ve started humming to her “Oh Holy Night” before putting her in her crib every night. She curls up in my arms, sucking her thumb and nuzzling her fuzzy blanket. And I feel so right. I would love to be held in tender enveloping arms while someone who loved me dearly sang softly in my ear. How precious is this time when she is little and impressionable… With how much of my love can I saturate her days and nights? It’s all a gift.