January 17, 2016
I have so many mixed emotions tonight. It would probably be better if I waited to blog until some later time, but we don’t get to be selective these days. The minutes of down time are severely limited, and we have to seize on opportunities to reflect.
I had a wonderful and unexpected morning of photography and exploration with my brother. That hasn’t happened in an incredibly long time. I can’t tell you when it happened last. Maybe it was on the cruise we took together before SJ was born(?). This time and the time I took while in Puerto Rico last week to wander through Old San Juan make for some silent moments of stillness and longing.
That’s a weird thing to feel, but I think it’s a critical and honest assessment. I long to be with Selah June to watch her every move, to receive her every display of affection or attempt at communication, and to meet her every need. Working full time robs me of so much of her that I cherish my evenings and weekends probably more than moms who don’t have employment. I should be grateful, but sometimes I really feel guilty and slighted – both in equal parts and simultaneously. She has stolen my heart, and I don’t think I’ll be getting it back any time soon.
I also long to be by myself. I need space to rest and to create. Work fills my days with other people and all their problems. Home fills my nights and weekends with the two people I love most in the world, but it demands every ounce of my attention and energy. And then there is the time just before bed, when I am too exhausted to think coherently but too empty to just go to bed.
I long to be fully engaged with other human beings. The technology in all of our lives is really starting to eat away at me. I’m sure everyone has heard me at least a billion times complain of the vacant stares, the distracted presences, and the stilted and taxing attempts at conversation that make do for life today in the “digital age.” Maybe I’m so agitated by it because Selah June isn’t wired in just yet. She sees the world unfiltered by technology. And it’s a magical and very real world. She doesn’t need to look up the answer to every question that presents itself throughout her day. She just questions. She giggles with delight over the prospect of goldfish crackers or the warm salty goodness of French fries. I sing to her before bed, and she reaches out and pats me on the shoulder – with physical touch she responds to signs of affection. Her world is slower, more tangible, more focused, more physical, and more satiating than my Facebook feed.
Okay… enough of that. I’m depressing myself.
Today, Selah June spent the morning with her daddy. They played and read books, and she took a little bit of a nap. I brought a bacon cheeseburger home for Jeremy, and it came with French fries. Selah June hit the jackpot! She was so happy to see those fries that she jerked back and forth with delight and sang “French fry! French fry! French fry!” until she had eaten every last one of them (or at least the ones Jeremy shared). We’re in trouble. She already knows that you can get French fries at any fast-food drive-thru. When I make my numerous stops at Sonic for good drinks throughout the day, she yells from the back “French FRY!!!” With all my insistence on feeding her fruits and vegetables and protein at every meal, at 15 months old she’s already addicted to the greasy goodness of good ole French fries. Oh well…. We all have our weaknesses.
