August 14, 2016

Today we took communion at church.  This was Wade’s first Lord’s Supper at East Brent, and he integrated it into the morning service instead of the evening service.  He also completely changed his delivery style to foster a time of reflection. After giving the congregation a few moments of silence, he sang a song to further focus us on the significance of the ritual among Christians.

It was interesting to me that my quiet time, alone in my head, focused on prayer, was completely blank.  It was as if somebody had hit the pause button on my brain and not changed out the soundtrack. There was far too little time set aside in the service for me to ever “catch up,” but it left me a little unnerved…enough to occupy my thinking this afternoon and evening.

And the longer I chewed on it, the more and more I became terribly aware that my word – the one that sums up where I need to be and am not anywhere near – surrendered.

I have serious control issues. I think that I spin my wheels every single day trying to capture each of SJ’s giggles and new phrases, her cuteness and her developmental milestones because I can’t control them.  They are fleeting, and I know it. I think about how things could be better if only…  If only she would be nicer to me right now, if only she had less screen time, if only she threw fewer tantrums, if only I didn’t work… I see all the bad food we feed her, and I heap loads of guilt on myself for not putting up more of a nutritional fight. I cringe when people don’t call her by her name, and I chastise myself for being so petty.

And then there’s my house… I only see the mess. I see the dishes in the sink, the dirt on the floor, the magazine pages on the porch, the mildew in the closet, and the hair in the shower. I see the easy things that could’ve been done on the way from point A to point B, and I harbor resentment that Jeremy doesn’t see it too.

And then there’s my day job (the one for which I get paid)… I start off with a list, and then I lose control of the steering wheel.  I end up exhausted by distractions and frustrated at my inability to do a good job on the things I ultimately see as a priority. I get mad when people don’t listen to me and do what I tell them to do.

I get mad when I don’t have a handle on what and when we’re eating dinner.  I get mad when dinner is “ruined” by life. I get mad when people don’t pay attention to me, and I get mad when time together isn’t all I think it might have been.

They more out of control I feel, the more judgmental I become.  In the worst of mental spaces, I clean until I can find words appropriate to say to others.

I think more than anything I’m learning how little I actually can control and how unproductive and often mean it is for me to constantly try. What would it look like for me to worry with one thing at a time?  What would it look like for me to care about others, accepting them exactly as they are, loving them regardless of what it does for me, and trusting that everything is okay even if it is completely out of my control. What would it look like for me to face every negative thought with awareness and immediately autocorrect towards genuine humility? I don’t want Selah June to see her mother as critical and guilt-stricken. I don’t want her to think that my love for her is conditional. She doesn’t have to want to be with me or want to hug me or say nice things to me for me to love her. That is there regardless of her behavior.

And I don’t want to spin my wheels living out the life I think others expect me to live only to miss the life right here under my nose. Look at this!  One week into school, and she’s rocking it like a champ!

We had such a good day yesterday. We found our awesome new Selah June car. We took it out even at the park and played in it all around the parking lot.

We kept it in the backseat next to us on the drive home and held onto it so it wouldn’t fall down.

Then we got it out at home and drove it all around the living room. It gave us an awesome drive in experience for watching Daniel Tiger, Chuggington, Curious George, and Paw Patrol.

It has a cup holder so we can take our milk with us anywhere we go, and we can even drive it while eating (Mommy’s) snacks!!

This morning we woke up excited to jump back behind the wheel.  She’s got a thing for this toy. It’s definitely a huge favorite right now.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

I realized in the car today that my love runs far deeper than it did just two years ago.  That sounds horrible to admit, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t absolutely true.  After a typical morning of Selah June shunning me for her father’s affection, crying desperately after a toy in a store, and stymieing my every effort to take a picture of her cuteness, I found myself mesmerized by her eyes.  I couldn’t stop looking into them.  I’d turn and face forward in my passenger seat only to turn back around two seconds later.

She’s used to me staring at her, and she often waves me away.  But I realize every day how precious time is with her.  This week the pains of that finitude were particularly poignant.

She started “school” this week.  She’s not even two years old.  I’m a monster.

No amount of “processing” helps to rationalize that gut feeling away. And the constant tug-of-war between my personal and my professional lives, the external guilt and sadness over the situation, and the stupefying speed of our daily routines all come together to make me too volatile for my liking. One minute I’m feeling so blessed, so undeserving, and so thankful for the beautiful life I’ve been given.  The next minute I’m feeling lonely and tired and sad by the harsh reality of being a parent who works full-time outside of the home.  I didn’t grow up with this model of parenting.  I don’t know what’s to be expected of me and us as a family.  I don’t know whether it will all turn out okay….and I’m not aiming for okay!  I’m aiming for the best life I can possibly give my family. Everything I’ve ever been told is that not spending every waking hour with your child, not having perfect dinner each night around the table, not engaging each other constantly with learning opportunities or interpersonal intimacy is unfortunate.  It’s a sad loss.

So I think it’s accurate to say I feel loss and I feel lost.

That doesn’t mean I’m not filled with joy and awe every day.  I am. It’s just really tender and confusing for me at the moment.

All I know is that this journey has been terribly hard and unbelievably worth it. I love Selah Juney, and I love the life Jeremy and I have together with her. There will be time for reflection and communication and rest. It won’t always feel this undone. Each day will continue to be a blessing.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Selah Juney and I had a snack after school.  I pulled out the grapes for her and a delicious red plum for me. Of course she wouldn’t let me have a grape, but she totally wanted to try my plum.

“Ion’t like it…”

And, yes, it sounds like it looks. It’s her new reaction to new foods.  Just happened this week.  She’s had a funny scrunchy face that she’s made when eating new foods, but now she has the words to express herself pretty precisely.

When Daddy got home, she wanted to go outside and blow bubbles.  She wants to be the one who blows the bubbles, but she can’t seem to get the technique down quite right.  She pretty much insists on putting right against her lips and then blowing.  The bubble liquid takes like soap, so it just makes her intensely frustrated — fun and not fun at the same time.

Here’s my yard looking magical with bubble accents.

Dinner was yummy yummy meatloaf, but Mommy distracted Selah Juney with a little stirofoam container of granola from our CSA basket for the week.  She DOES like this awesome trail mix with pretzels, and dried fruit, and m&m’s, and little crispies.

We couldn’t really get her to focus on the rest of her dinner, but she did a pretty good job of sitting at the table for a while.

We snuggled after dinner, watching Daniel Tiger in Mommy and Daddy’s big bed. I could spend my life enjoying little kid snuggled.  Daniel Tiger would get old, but I think it would be worth it.

There are a few things we’ve done that haven’t made their way into posts.  Before I get too far away from them, I want to take a quick moment to archive them here.

Friday, August 5, 2016

I enjoyed another day of leave, and we played with stickers!!!!  We LOVE stickers.  And we think everything should be covered in them. When they lose their sticky, it makes us really upset.

We met Satie and Sebastian at Grammy and Grandpa’s house to swim in the pool.  This marks the first time Grammy was able to hold a grandbaby in her lap post-surgery. She and Selah Juney sang Bible songs, while Satie sat close by and vicariously listened while reading.

Precious…

Snickelfrit somehow convinced Grandpa to get in the hammock with her. (It didn’t take too much convincing.)

She patted his belly for a while….which really cracked her up.

Then she decided she needed a little sleep.

Just kidding!  Stinky feet!!!!

Monday, August 8, 2016

Selah June had her very first day of school today (daycare, but I hate that word as much as everybody else). She is going to St. Luke’s pre-school Monday through Friday , and she can be there anytime between 8:00am and 2:00pm.  Those are extended hours.  Yes, pause and reflect for just a moment….  Those are EXTENDED hours.  How is a girl to work these days making an honest living??  j/k n/r

Jeremy was much more nervous yesterday and today than I was.  I grappled with fear a few weeks ago and had a spiritual reckoning about it.  Once I knew that it really was in God’s hands and that He loves every member of my family, it was easy to let go (a bit). Jeremy had the fun experience of packing her into the car to make the drop-off before work, taking her into an unfamiliar place and hoping she wouldn’t be too upset, and driving away knowing that he had chosen work over spending time with her.  It’s NOT fun.  I wouldn’t recommend it.

I had the joy of picking her up and hearing about her day.  You’d be surprised how much a 1-year-old can tell you about their adventures.  She had great fun with all the kids.  She got to go into two different playrooms. She sang “head, shoulders, knees, and toes.” And she played in the park. She wanted to come home and play with her colors, but she quickly agreed that we should take a nap first.

Just a blur. Always in motion.  ALWAYS But I like that this one captures her joy. We got a little carried away with our colors…   Does that say trouble or what? I love this one!Amid the devastation…

Satie has ballet camp this week, and Jessica had an event to cater at the church today.  So we decided to make it a play date just for girls.  This was first thing in the morning.  Satie had just gone into SJ’s room to wake her up.  That was a surprise!  Usually it’s Selah June who wakes Satie up on Fridays while Mommy goes to work.

It looks really dark outside because it was stormy for the bulk of the morning.

They played with bubbles and markers (“colors”) and play-doh and musical instruments.  They had a great time.  And then we watched some Paw Patrol so I could get ready and then started to snuggle in the recliner to watch Selah June videos on my phone but got the call from Grandpa that they were ready for us to come over!!!

Here we are waiting in the driveway for Grammy and Grandpa.  It’s the beginning of silly lips.

And here they are coming to fruition.

One of these kids is a little bit of a camera hog.  The other one tries to foil every attempt at a picture…

A little blurry but about as good as you can get right now.

Silly little girls.

Here’s a clip of the action:  SJ and Satie

Mom and Dad bought them Chick-Fil-a, and then we got ready for ballet. Selah June loved taking her to her class and seeing all the girls in their leotards and ballet shoes.

Last night we had orientation at St. Luke’s for Miss Selah June.   

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Selah June had a big day at Satie’s house.  She played hard.  You wouldn’t know that she had had a poopy diaper in the middle of the night and pulled her diaper off only to wake up her Daddy requiring a full bath and fresh sheets.  I woke up to a precious little slumbering child in my bed around 6:30 this morning.

It’s amazing to me that she still has the same little profile I first saw in the 3D ultrasound before she was born. What a precious little angel (easy to feel when she’s out like a light!! HA!)

Jessica sent this pic during the day.  Everybody was eating.

And then our baskets came today!!! So exciting.  I love getting a produce delivery with lots of little surprises.  (Now I just need some time to actually enjoy all the bath salts and scrubs and stuff.)

Jessica made zucchini bread that was delicious.  It was AMAZING!!!  It tasted like warm cinnamon spice cake. And with the butter on it too???  Out of this world.  Now I just need to find a good sugar substitute to make it legal.

I picked SJ up, ate some of that scrumptious goodness, talked about out treats for the week, and scooped all the loot into the car.  Here we are two minutes out….

That was some hard playing…

August 1-2, 2016

For Daddy’s birthday, Selah June decided that she was going to start singing full-blown songs.  She sings Twinkle Twinkle from start to finish.  It’s so cute.

She also sings happy birthday.  Most of the time it’s to Grandpa – who had a birthday last week.  To get Jeremy’s goat, she sang “happy birthday, Mommy!!”  She’s a total mess.

Our other new thing is that we are really into colors.  She wants to color on everything – boxes, magazines, books, herself, papers, etc.  Jessica put me onto washable markers, and they’ve already saved me tons of money and heartache, and it’s only day 1.

Grammy and Grandpa made a surprise visit this morning to bring a good drink to me and some French fries to Miss Selah June.  She squealed and squealed as she showed off her toy room. She also showed Grammy her garden.  And her heart was broken when they quickly had to leave.

Today is Ashley’s last day.  ?  Words cannot express how sad we are to face life without her our little world.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Selah Juney loves her time with Mommy and Daddy upstairs in their big bed watching Paw Patrol or Wheels on the Bus or Kung Fu Panda.  It’s a time for wallowing and playing silly games and snuggling and singing lullabies together as a family.  And it’s also a time of great parental fatigue.  One night this week she was up until 10:00, and Jeremy and I thought we were going to die.  That’s how you know you’re getting old.

Just look at those dirty little stinky feet!!