Monday, January 16, 2017

On a whim, we rounded up all the horses and headed with six kiddos to the beach! Grammy and Grandpa, Mimi and Aunt Abigail, and all of the cousins got good drinks and caravanned to our favorite spot. The kids were thrilled to be outside in January, and the older ones even played in the water. Sebastian wasn’t too sure about all that. The surf was rough.

Selah June and Jules had a blast building sand castles with Grammy, and I enjoyed a quiet spot in a beach chair halfway between the umbrella, towels, and cooler and the water’s edge. It’s absolutely wonderful that we live here and can enjoy a winter day soaking up sun and playing in sand.

Selah June did not have much interest at all in getting wet. On the very few occasions the water swept up near her, she would yell “Get back, waves! Go home! Don’t come over here, water! Go back to your mommy!” It was a hoot.

She also really was into the little beach chair that Grandpa brought in the Pilot just for her. It was pink, and she spent a great deal of time dragging it over to sit with us and then dragging it back to sit with Grammy and Abigail and then dragging it back over to us and then dragging it back over to the umbrella. That’s hard work when you can’t put down your blue blanky or your towel!

Wednesday – Saturday, January 11-14, 2017

This little monkey had a whole lot of fun having a sleepover party with Satie and Sebastian while I was away at the Southern Political Science Association meeting in New Orleans. Apparently, she took full advantage of dinosaur chicken on demand, access to boots, a whole toy room, and loads of attention.

Sunday, January 6, 2017

One of my favorite things about the weekend is wearing pajamas all day long. Selah June just over the last week or so has really gotten back into wearing pjs. She likes the footed ones too (after hating them for a while). And they seem to be fitting her better. I think she might have had a growth spurt and gained some height on her that trimmed her a bit. Her arms seem to fit better in the sleeves of her footed pjs.

She wanted me to play in her playroom over the weekend, and we had a great time having a picnic.  I think this adventure was triggered by Ceara babysitting last night. Jeremy and I actually went to the movies and saw Star Wars – Rogue One. I can’t tell you the last time we actually went out together for a date-like period of time. It was soooooo terribly cold Saturday night – down in the 20s with additional windchill. We were so cold in the theater that by the time the movie was over all we wanted to do was go through a drive-thru and eat food in the comfort and heating of our own car. Sad times…

Back to picnics.

Ashley taught her to use her cloth that came with her picnic basket to make a setting for plates and utensils and food. Somehow this was important work to that end.

We have a huge bag of plastic food because Grammy sent a bunch home with us when Selah June got her kitchen for her birthday.

I asked her to fix me a plate. She busily got right on it.

You see her purse? It’s full of Chucky Cheese tickets. I don’t know why those are important for a picnic, but if we need bargaining chips she’s totally prepared. We’re also sitting ducks if any toddlers break out of juvy looking to hold somebody up for something of real value.

I just can’t get enough of this joy. Her smile is really infectious.

So my latest struggle (probably the most ongoing one of them all) is that so much of her development is happening without me around. There’s no good answer. I want to spend good meaningful quality time with her and watch her learn to color inside the lines, count things, learn new words, do fun crafts, start to read, and all the other amazing things that kids do at such a young age. And I don’t want to give up my academic career. In so many ways I feel like a better parent because of my job. Teaching college kids, dealing with emotional crises, managing complex tasks one step at a time — all these things are directly related to raising a 2 year old! You’d be shocked at the striking similarities!!

I wrote a book this year. I coordinated a massive collaborative service learning project across 60 city parks working with a class of 70 kids and multiple faculty across 4 colleges. This work is turning into several journal article publications. I coordinated a really cool downtown lecture series, bringing in a renowned contemporary composer and have even bigger plans for this next season. I covered bases for chairs throughout our college so that they could take maternity leave, deal with family emergencies, or survive to fight another day. And now I’m cohosting a podcast! What??  With the vice provost of UWF… I get to work on his pet project.

So I guess what I’m saying is that life is super rich. There’s just so much about it right now that I want to savor that I’m feeling regret over the morsels that I miss. It’s just so hard. I know that she will never be this age again. I totally get it.  We waited a really long time to be parents, and I knew that this one-in-a-million chance would be the only chance I would have to experience all of these developmental milestones.

I know I need to focus on the blessings rather than the lost opportunities. I have so much joy in my life, so many tender moments, and so many awesome adventures because of this little one. And I am incredibly lucky to have a job that I enjoy and the flexibility to prioritize family first. How many people can say that? I have to get better at dealing with this nagging guilt. It’s due in large part I’m sure to the huge sacrifice my mom made for us. And that sacrifice was due in large part because of the luxury afforded my parents of being able to live on the income of my father’s job. We’re a family of educators. It’s in our blood. But I just never really expected to be in the place where I would be spending my days educating other people’s children while my child went somewhere else. There’s a lot you don’t process until you’re in the middle of it. And there’s so much of our perspective that’s conditioned by our own lived experiences. Jeremy’s experience and perspective is completely different. This is definitely guilt I put on myself. And it’s exacerbated by living in my hometown with so many family members and friends who deal with crappy area schools by homeschooling their own children.

Well…. more for tomorrow. Now I need to sleep.

Monday, January 9, 2017

So you will never believe this.  I might have already mentioned this little issue, but today it reared its head in a funny way. Last week, the teacher in her classroom and the education majors working with Miss Annie made a point to really slow down and clarify how to say Selah June’s name and whether or not we had any other names she might go by. I said that at home we always call her Selah June. Others call her Selah from time to time, so that would be fine too. And they asked again… Any other name? No. Selah June.

Why such heartburn? Because there is a little girl in her class named Saylor. This is so funny because my autocorrect on my phone always changes her name to Sailor. There are only about 4-5 little girls in her class…and a Selah and Saylor? Really???

So today I went to pick her up, and she was outside playing. She saw me and came running to greet me. I immediately noticed that she was wearing a long, off-white sweater that did not belong to her. The teachers looked at each other with panic and thought aloud that it must have been Saylor’s. And then we went to get SJ’s green jacket, and it was missing. Their eyes were as big as saucers. It must have gone home with Saylor. Now we all know Miss SJ doesn’t let anybody touch her stuff. This only happened because the green jacket was knew and everybody was busy having fun outside after being cooped up inside from the freezing cold.

What are the odds???  Really… What are the odds?

This was our first week back from the break and at our new school.  For whatever reason, it seemed like a very long one. At UWF, the enrollment for spring is significantly lower than it has been, and our office has been doing everything in our power to get to the bottom of it. We’ve also been trying to mitigate against budget shortfalls due to declining tuition revenue. And the governor mailed all the deans directly asking for specifics on recruitment strategies and efforts at job placement post graduation.  ?

At home, Selah June has been pretty pooped. Shorter midday naps and long days full of hard playing have left her running on fumes from dinner to bedtime. I ran out of drugs this week, so a night of no sleep also left me feeling ragged.

Jeremy’s foot has still not heeled, but the doctor still thinks he’s making progress. I’m ready for him to feel better and not be so tired all the time. And I know he’s ready to be able to take a shower again.

Selah June has really enjoyed us singing to her lately. I always sing Rock a by Baby to her as we snuggle and she drifts off to sleep, so that has been her request. She also likes me to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider. And sometimes she’ll let me sing the Wheels on the Bus, but she then has to open her eyes to make sure I’m doing the hand motions properly.

January 5, 2017

I am so tired, and yet this is such an important day that sleep will have wait just a few more moments.

Today marks the anniversary of the finalization of the legal steps we had to take to adopt Selah June from Jessica. The gut churning surrounding that day was not about whether we would “keep” Selah June.  It was about the publicness, the bureaucratic process, the unusual circumstances, the completely foreign environment, and the cumulative physical and emotional fatigue for all of us that that day involved. Jessica loves us so much that she sacrificed her body, her will, her heart, and her comfort zone so that Selah June could be in this world and bring joy to those who have the privilege of caring for her. Jessica loves God so much that she listened to Him when things were difficult, when they didn’t feel right, when they pulled her another way, when people were hurtful, when love seemed conditional, and when the future was very uncertain. When you live through that, you know what faith looks like.

Jessica gave me a gift today. In a little tiny box, she gave me a necklace with a pendant. The pendant is square-shaped, edged in sterling. It encases sand from St. Maarten – a place near and dear to our hearts. We visited St. Maarten the year before SJ was born – at a time when I shared our journey with Jessica openly and honestly. And we visited St. Maarten the next year when little Selah Juney was already on her way. We have a special spot on the St. Maarten beach where we camped out for hours while our cruise ship sat parked for days in the port. Our spot is just beyond the pier. Here we spent hours finding amazing shells and talking about life, love, and other mysteries. It was on that second cruise that I shared with Aaron and Jessica the name God had given me for Selah June. I knew we would be welcoming a girl into this world. I never really had any doubt about that. And I knew she would be Selah. God had made me wait…a very long pause…to hear Him, to let go of everything I wanted, and to trust Him that He loved me no matter what. And along that journey, I came to understand what love looks like. It does not look like ownership. It does not look like possessiveness. It does not look like happiness. It does not look like service to self. Once you understand that, it is easy to see how our lives fit together like puzzle pieces even on the stormiest of days. Our family understands love – most of all God’s love.

Selah June is a daily reminder of that.

Tuesday, January 3, 2016

Today was Selah Juney’s first day at UWF Educational Research Center for Child Development. We talked about it last night, and we talked about it this morning. By the time we were driving into the parking lot, she was saying she would be singing songs with the kids and was “so excited.”

For one brief second, when I opened the front door and the place was unfamiliar and the people were new, I saw a flash of intimidation. But just as quickly as it came it went. Miss Regena came out to meet her and immediately set to work to win her over. It didn’t take long. We walked down the hall to her classroom, and she saw the playground INSIDE the classroom and was a goner.

She tried to pass off her blue blanky to anybody who would take it as well as her milk, and she made a beeline straight for the indoor slide and over to the baby dolls. I spent several more minutes in the classroom learning about the procedure for lunch and diaper storage as well as the drill for medications. Not once did she come cling to me.

And then I was done with my orientation, and it was time for me to go. More for me than for her, I walked over to give her a hug. She obliged and then started back toward the slide. As I turned, I heard a faint little “kiss?” And with a turn of by boot, I ran back over to give her a goodbye kiss. All the teachers went, “Awwww….”  That’s my sweetie pie.

At lunch, I called the center and asked how she was doing. She had been there for a good 5ish hours. Regena walked down to check on her in Miss Annie’s room, and she was sound asleep with all the other kids having nap time. At 5, all the faculty moms were picking up their littles. As soon as I opened the door, she screamed, “Mommy!!!!!” and came runnin’ for me. We gathered up her stuff, and the teachers all raved about how amazingly well she did today. They were stunned at how much she enjoyed herself and adapted to the new environment.

We walked out to the car with Sheila Dunn and her daughter Catherine and son Robert, Jr. Selah June and Catherine chatted each other up about “Mommy’s car” and how dark it was outside. And we rode off in the sunset.

I don’t have a picture for the day, but it would take a 1000 pictures to be worth the word for the day – thankfulness.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

SelahbJune brought in the new year with lots of playing.  She’s been super interested in her “magnet” blocks or “magic” blocks (depending on which of us is listening and interpreting. We’ve never had this kind of blocks at our house, so she’s really excited about having them all to herself to build whatever she wants. At this particular moment, she was building a tower.

And then I heard her saying something different. When I looked up, she was “reading” this little card from the box and saying “instructions, instructions, instructions.”

They evidently involved building a cavernous tower that you could stuff full of Shopkins and other random personal affects.

Then we moved on to our new books. She didn’t want me to read them to her. Rather, she emphasized “I do it! All by myself!!”

And then she began each page with “Once upon a time…” The Mickey book was “Once upon a time, there was Mickey and farm and animals and tractor… And Donald had a hat and Goofy had a hat. The end!”

Then we went to church. She looks thrilled.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

I woke up this morning feeling I  love with my house. I love that my master bedroom feels like a tree house. The morning light wakes me up. The leaves of the huge oak tree outside my window rustle, and the wind chimes and birds provide sweet sounds to bring me to my senses.

Little Miss decided she needed to drive her car all around the house. When I asked her where she was going, she said on a trip. She was going to Grandma’s house in Oklahoma. She had gold coins in the car with her. They were chocolate, but she called them her money.

She was being goofy in the car. I asked her if she could see herself on my camera.

Then I asked her whether she could make a silly face.

In the car, she’s been imagining that her feet are related.  One is the baby foot and the other is the daddy. Or sometimes one is the daddy and the other is the mommy. They “find” each other.

We went to the shoe store to look for more comfortable shoes for Jeremy. She really likes shoes….and not the kids’ shoes but the ladies’ shoes. She tried on a whole bunch of heels before Daddy made us go.  I might have bought a pair of black heels along the way…. ?