Sunday, January 6, 2017

One of my favorite things about the weekend is wearing pajamas all day long. Selah June just over the last week or so has really gotten back into wearing pjs. She likes the footed ones too (after hating them for a while). And they seem to be fitting her better. I think she might have had a growth spurt and gained some height on her that trimmed her a bit. Her arms seem to fit better in the sleeves of her footed pjs.

She wanted me to play in her playroom over the weekend, and we had a great time having a picnic.  I think this adventure was triggered by Ceara babysitting last night. Jeremy and I actually went to the movies and saw Star Wars – Rogue One. I can’t tell you the last time we actually went out together for a date-like period of time. It was soooooo terribly cold Saturday night – down in the 20s with additional windchill. We were so cold in the theater that by the time the movie was over all we wanted to do was go through a drive-thru and eat food in the comfort and heating of our own car. Sad times…

Back to picnics.

Ashley taught her to use her cloth that came with her picnic basket to make a setting for plates and utensils and food. Somehow this was important work to that end.

We have a huge bag of plastic food because Grammy sent a bunch home with us when Selah June got her kitchen for her birthday.

I asked her to fix me a plate. She busily got right on it.

You see her purse? It’s full of Chucky Cheese tickets. I don’t know why those are important for a picnic, but if we need bargaining chips she’s totally prepared. We’re also sitting ducks if any toddlers break out of juvy looking to hold somebody up for something of real value.

I just can’t get enough of this joy. Her smile is really infectious.

So my latest struggle (probably the most ongoing one of them all) is that so much of her development is happening without me around. There’s no good answer. I want to spend good meaningful quality time with her and watch her learn to color inside the lines, count things, learn new words, do fun crafts, start to read, and all the other amazing things that kids do at such a young age. And I don’t want to give up my academic career. In so many ways I feel like a better parent because of my job. Teaching college kids, dealing with emotional crises, managing complex tasks one step at a time — all these things are directly related to raising a 2 year old! You’d be shocked at the striking similarities!!

I wrote a book this year. I coordinated a massive collaborative service learning project across 60 city parks working with a class of 70 kids and multiple faculty across 4 colleges. This work is turning into several journal article publications. I coordinated a really cool downtown lecture series, bringing in a renowned contemporary composer and have even bigger plans for this next season. I covered bases for chairs throughout our college so that they could take maternity leave, deal with family emergencies, or survive to fight another day. And now I’m cohosting a podcast! What??  With the vice provost of UWF… I get to work on his pet project.

So I guess what I’m saying is that life is super rich. There’s just so much about it right now that I want to savor that I’m feeling regret over the morsels that I miss. It’s just so hard. I know that she will never be this age again. I totally get it.  We waited a really long time to be parents, and I knew that this one-in-a-million chance would be the only chance I would have to experience all of these developmental milestones.

I know I need to focus on the blessings rather than the lost opportunities. I have so much joy in my life, so many tender moments, and so many awesome adventures because of this little one. And I am incredibly lucky to have a job that I enjoy and the flexibility to prioritize family first. How many people can say that? I have to get better at dealing with this nagging guilt. It’s due in large part I’m sure to the huge sacrifice my mom made for us. And that sacrifice was due in large part because of the luxury afforded my parents of being able to live on the income of my father’s job. We’re a family of educators. It’s in our blood. But I just never really expected to be in the place where I would be spending my days educating other people’s children while my child went somewhere else. There’s a lot you don’t process until you’re in the middle of it. And there’s so much of our perspective that’s conditioned by our own lived experiences. Jeremy’s experience and perspective is completely different. This is definitely guilt I put on myself. And it’s exacerbated by living in my hometown with so many family members and friends who deal with crappy area schools by homeschooling their own children.

Well…. more for tomorrow. Now I need to sleep.