January 5, 2017

I am so tired, and yet this is such an important day that sleep will have wait just a few more moments.

Today marks the anniversary of the finalization of the legal steps we had to take to adopt Selah June from Jessica. The gut churning surrounding that day was not about whether we would “keep” Selah June.  It was about the publicness, the bureaucratic process, the unusual circumstances, the completely foreign environment, and the cumulative physical and emotional fatigue for all of us that that day involved. Jessica loves us so much that she sacrificed her body, her will, her heart, and her comfort zone so that Selah June could be in this world and bring joy to those who have the privilege of caring for her. Jessica loves God so much that she listened to Him when things were difficult, when they didn’t feel right, when they pulled her another way, when people were hurtful, when love seemed conditional, and when the future was very uncertain. When you live through that, you know what faith looks like.

Jessica gave me a gift today. In a little tiny box, she gave me a necklace with a pendant. The pendant is square-shaped, edged in sterling. It encases sand from St. Maarten – a place near and dear to our hearts. We visited St. Maarten the year before SJ was born – at a time when I shared our journey with Jessica openly and honestly. And we visited St. Maarten the next year when little Selah Juney was already on her way. We have a special spot on the St. Maarten beach where we camped out for hours while our cruise ship sat parked for days in the port. Our spot is just beyond the pier. Here we spent hours finding amazing shells and talking about life, love, and other mysteries. It was on that second cruise that I shared with Aaron and Jessica the name God had given me for Selah June. I knew we would be welcoming a girl into this world. I never really had any doubt about that. And I knew she would be Selah. God had made me wait…a very long pause…to hear Him, to let go of everything I wanted, and to trust Him that He loved me no matter what. And along that journey, I came to understand what love looks like. It does not look like ownership. It does not look like possessiveness. It does not look like happiness. It does not look like service to self. Once you understand that, it is easy to see how our lives fit together like puzzle pieces even on the stormiest of days. Our family understands love – most of all God’s love.

Selah June is a daily reminder of that.