January 14, 2018
Today was a real doozy of a day. Jeremy went to church because we had nursery duty. He told Mary that it would be our last Sunday, that we were going to be visiting other churches. And while he took care of the scary 3 year olds (including the youth pastor’s devil child), Mary ratted him out to the pastor. By the time the service was over, Wade and Mason were waiting to intercept Jeremy in the front entrance of the nursery. They went on and on about how important we are to the church and that they had missed us lately. Jeremy shrugged it off, said we had been busy, and then suggested that he needed to get home to his family. He said it was awkward, and I imagine that it was. I’m really proud of him for being the messenger. And I hate that they trapped him the way they did. Mom suggested that it was a positive sign that they actually took the time to reach out to him. I just think it was too little too late.
I know that we won’t be missed at all. I know that they won’t use our departure as an opportunity to think about the way they’ve been treating people. But I also know that we weren’t going to be able to move forward there. You have to be able to trust your pastor, and that ship sailed a while ago for me.
Selah June and I, back at the ranch, played outside on her park – even though it was freezing outside. We made a mango and avocado salad that was pretty yummy. And we cleaned the toy room. Daddy asked me to find out if Miss Rachael could come visit so that we could go see a movie, and SJ was super excited about that. We went to see “The Post,” and it was really really good. I snuck in my own snacks, and I’ve been downing the remainder of my sodas. Tomorrow we start Whole 30. I’m excited Mom and Sara are doing it with me as well. The only thing I think I’ll really miss is soda. The rest of it isn’t too far afield from how I already eat.
Tonight I made one of the worst mistakes of my whole career. I responded to an email from the dean and accidentally copied someone on it. And in the email I spoke disparagingly about the person. What an idiot I am. How could I possibly be so stupid you ask? I couldn’t spell her name right, so I used the address bar to see if gmail would recognize it by the first few letters and give me her complete name in response. And then I forgot to delete her email from the message. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. The dean’s not mad, but I am more than mad enough for the both of us.
The last few months have not been my favorite at work. I’m really thinking that I need to just hang it up for a while. The dean is still treating me very weird after all this Graduate School nightmarish mess. I’ve lost my confidence over the whole thing. I miss Jay terribly. The dean’s never around, so I get to hear all the office gaggle singlehandedly. And I’m just always distracted, stretched, and a little too absent. Maybe it will get better when she’s in actual school. I don’t know. If I’m given the flexibility of getting her to school and picking her up when it suits me, I’m always going to take her in a little later than I should and pick her up a little earlier too. And the only way I can stay sane is to exercise, so that cuts into the workday. And Jeremy feels like I spend too much time working at home as it is. So……???? What’s going to give? I feel like something has to give at some point.
I’m realizing this post is not really about Selah June.